The ears have walls

Saturday, July 23, 2005

She's gone. I warned you that would happen, didn't I? yesterday - the morning after we held our housewarming party - I woke up to her lying on her side and staring blankly out the window, refusing to meet my gaze and making it patently obvious that something was bothering her. After some gentle questioning (which felt a bit like poking a sleeping lion through the bars at the zoo) she blurted out that she was thinking of leaving.

"If you want to leave, then leave." I replied
"I'm not talking about Paris at the end of the year. I mean now. Today"
"Neither am I" I replied. Stupidly, knowingly.

And so she left, but not that day.

I spent the next two evenings (our last together) piecing it together and trying to construct a form that would hold all my feelings of inadequacy and resentment and sheer fucking blinding love that were battling it out in my head and heart. I walked the streets in the city centre, headphones on listening to Interpol and wishing I had Paul Banks' left-handed literacy and the immediacy of their music so that I could change her mind. All this was being done secretly though. I told her that it was me who was cutting her loose, that it was my decision and it was my ideals of self-preservation that had to be realised now. I told her all this in a tearful speech - her in bed freshly awoken and me leaning up against the window - and as usual the upper hand was wrestled from her as I tried to turn the things she said against her and play the innocent and heartbroken victim. My life, my right, my soul, my loss etc... So fucking lame when I think about it now. She saw right through it of course, as she always did.

And so she left.

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