The ears have walls

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

My letter to her today

Dear xxxxxx,

I always find it difficult these days to explain myself in person with you. It's strange isn't it.... to feel almost embarrased and ashamed to express myself with somebody I was so close with only a few short weeks ago? Things have certainly changed.

When I saw you on the street on Monday, I instantly recognised you. It's the way you walk, your small and characteristic movements which I learn by heart when I was with you - The slight angle of your head as you wait to cross the road, the hurried pace of your gait and the way you hold your bag in your right hand. I had practiced this encounter in my head for days, each time going through theways I would be cruel to you, or just ignore you completely and try get the moral upper-hand. It's all bullshit, and I don't know why I believed that Icould actually act this way towards you. I don't have those feelings in my heart for you... I could never be cruel towards you on purpose. Yes, I'm angry about the way things turned out. Yes, I'm hurt and confused. Yes, some days I blame you for the way I feel. But I want you to know one thing...The memories that I have of our time together are all good. There is not one moment of our relationship that I look back on with regret or resentment. It's important tome that you know that.

I still have questions, though. There are things that leave me very confused and perhaps one day you will be able to explain them to me. Maybe you don't know theanswer to some of them, perhaps you don't want to hurt me more by being brutally honest with some small truth. Either way, I don't expect you to give me any answers now. Maybe one day we'll both be more willing and prepared to discuss these things comfortably with eachother. I know that I'm not comfortable with it at the moment, and it wouldn't be fair to you and it definitely would not be good for whatever friendship you and I would have, and it MOST definitely wouldn't be good for your current relationship with xxxxxx. Of course I am jealous at the thought that someone else gets to lie down at night with you.. I am only human and anybody would feel the same. But, I have never lied to you about anything and I will not begin now... I still respect you too much and, as you know, I'm still secretly (haha) in love with you. Enough of the serious shit for now.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Sonic Youth on Friday, and to xxxxx coming over on the 23rd. I don't know if you will get a chance to meet him and honestly I don't know if I would even feel comfortable introducing you to him after all that has happened. It is a particularly difficult time for him and I as the 23rd is also the anniversary of our mother's death, and we will both be emotional, drunk and probably not inthe best mood on that day. As they say in Ireland: "To honor the dead, you must surely spill some whiskey on their graves".

Ok for now. It really makes me feel better to write to you, for some reason. Perhaps it's the catharsis that comes with confession and the idea that I canat least articulate my fucked-up feelings to the one person in this town that I truly care for. There aint no sunshine when you're gone mon ami. Another day without light.

Love, xxxx

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